Yah! How disconcerting is that? I keyed in my fill in the blank posting/title/name/Indubitable Paradox/... And nothing came up. But by default, when I pushed Login... It came up ready to roll. So here I am and not a moment too soon. Maybe I was last here on the stream in March or April. I know, I looked, but I've foregotten or I just don't want to start and this is all some form of crap... it isn't road ready at this point, so I'll just bag it - like any other person, who has nothing to say and then I'll hurt for another few months, because I didn't try to get back into the flow of going for the gusto of having a hobby - that suited my need to just be a scribe to the life and times of a guy on the lamb in the country, south of Seattle. That sounds like I'm a criminal or something. I meant my nefarious aptitude... of being here with you guys- doing this thing that people are doing all over the Internet everyday. Talkin' talkin','bout ourselves in so many ways as a concept to control our desperation to understand our surroundings and our shortcomings, as to what we could be doing to save the world and such.

It has always been my dream to do what? Say what it is I really want to say, but always the conflict has been- If you have nothing to impart, then impart nothing, but if you never say anything, then you learn to have nothing to say, so that is why we are here ... You, me.
We are practicing on each other- like we used to in school, but now we aren't getting graded, except to say, I guess, if noone ever reads what you write... that is it's own kind of punishment. I'm okay with whatever this is all about. I am glad to be back. I left, because, not the olde saw of depresion or mental illness or 'being a victim of something'; I left, because I hurt my hoo-hoo. That hurts- just saying it. It brings a smile and a sense of satisfaction to my person to finally tell the truth.

In this age of the practiced untruth ... It is not easy to ascribe a truthful reason for doing the things we do, but when I realized that
it was my hoo-hoo, that was hurting. I knew, that it would be awhile before I would tell anyone that my hoo-hoo hurt. I just like the sound of hoo-hoo and the way that hoo-hoo looks and the way that it rolls of the keys. I knew I was on to something and now that I've gone this far and all with being honest and all and I know that someone out there has just got to let me know if there hoo-hoo hurts, then you know where to find me, because of my experience and the long road to recovery and my being an expert and all ... you just feel free to contact me and I will honestly and truthfully be there for you, so your hoo-hoo will hurt no more. We can all become hoo-hoo experts together.

I know I have probably over-stepped the bounds of decorum and I am sorry for that, but at my own expense ...I was only trying to make light of a serious situation... and that is ... This world is tough.

It is so tough, that a site like this one in particular, where there are so many people, who seem to genuinely care for each other ... that I want to just say... Thank You and I need to go now, so that's all I can find tonight. But my heartfelt feeling is what I call Love. I know you know about love. I just want to say that I love what goes on here. It may be happening in other places. Maybe I should google... Sites like Blogstream? I read a lot of stuff on the Internet. Mostly on the real malaise of cultural upheavals of our shrinking dimensions of safety in an uptight universe of so many confliicting attitudes and agendas. The good and great part of our worldly universe needs to find a way to staunch the flow of bad blood and bad ideas. We cannot appease or entertain the idiocy of the insane
and despodic. Love you lots. To sleep , perchance to dream. Trust the Rust, cya.

It takes a real fool to title their entry in such a model of decorum. I mean not to offend anyone, but I need to find a way to attract some attention to my pursuit of the brass ring. The mind, the fingers - there is no coordination in my patrol of the environs of what I call reality. This may be over soon. I think I need to read. Today was sunny mostly and quite cool, but it was very pleasant to work outside. The yard is smashing. We have an acre and a half. Plenty to keep us busy, with lots of goodies for the deer to chomp on. And I must give them credit. We had a running battle all winter. Using expensive spray on products to send them scurrying for more tasty viddles,but it rained so much. The detractant was soon washed away and they were back. After awhile I just gave up. They dehedged the English laurel at the front of our property. Maybe the severe pruning will be a Godsend as far as stimulating faster growth. The plants were already up to three and a half feet, Half the plants with leaves ... the other half -half without leaves. A ruddy mess. We are over 800 feet altitude so our trees are just starting to bud, but the yard is beginning to look lovely and green. I got down my ferrous sulfate for moss and lichens and also weed and feed. Raked up all of the the blown down branches and twigs and mowed. Cleaned the gutters. Getting the garden ready now and weeding flower beds. Today I prepared the burn pile. We have debris from two trees that went down, One just recently. Burn tomorrow.The fruit trees are pruned and ready. Going to finish rocking the drive way soon. Lots to do. My wife was sick today, but she's out playing bunko tonight. I was watching some WWII movie, but I gave up. One more day and back to work. I will be more here next time. This was something... and sometimes that is enough. Less is more and I am beginning to evolve as a person. I have always... been a person... I mean in the ability to conceive on the spot - the moment to moment movement of life and the environs of my mission. Trust the Rust.cya

I know I am weird. It is because I want to be good,... when I know I can't convincingly be bad. So there is a conundrum. I seem unable the halt the self doubt of my mental product. I am not flowing into truth in a way that exemplifies the true nature of my work ethic. I love even what I hate. Always the fixer,cleaner,mender of simple things. The come from behind guy. The fill in. I am prepared to be real and ordinary in extraordinary ways, but that is easier said than done. :Aside: A little more than a year ago, my son took a trip on a cruise ship. That's not all. It is actually his job to continue for now to travel on this cruise ship. It has had it's ups and downs - like being away from family and friends and now being away from his girlfriend, but he is... realizing more about what life is about - by having this experience. It is - in truth the perfect culmination of his foremost life effort - which has been to perform his music (on the guitar) in a way that is the honest expression of what his gift means to him. He is truly a gifted artist and he has not sold out to a lesser path. He is working - playing the usual cruise ship repetoire, while he continues to be an eager accompaniest and student of all the guest artists he plays with. All across the European continent and the Med and Caribbean last year and now Hawaii and Tahiti and Mexico,... before going back to Europe via the Panama Canal in about a week, he plays on. He certainly enjoyed all the touristic dimensions of this opportunity last year to the point of... Okay, I've done that....Now what? He's back out now to get the funds for furthering his dreams. It's really been great to watch him grow and mature. He got his degree in music and now he is pursuing it with gusto and aplomb. I am proud of all of our children. One was just here with his girlfriend to watch a movie. We were pretty much down for the count ... my wife is sick and went to bed early and I took a second night of loss when the Huskies fell to that other Husky team from back east. Gonzaga went down last night in the waning moments. Life is hard. The other hard luck story is the older son's predicament with his house... ... and I am not making excuses, but my rhythm is coming and when it finally does I will be awesome. I remember now... why?.. I brought up the kid on the cruise ship. I started e-mailing him and he said he liked my stream of consciousness thinking and that it sounded just like me, It had my voice so to speak, but I am not a big talker, so I just took it to mean that it was okay- if I continued to write and then when he was off the ship for a couple months last fall I started doing this(blogging) and now I am beginning to get the drift of the free hand... of being accustomned to the sound of your own voice, because eventually I will be doing this full time... because it is the most real thing that I am. So there. I've said it .I think I might be a writer of note or at least a writer of conviction. One first has to believe in themself... Before one can succeed at anything and now I am off to bed because I have a big project tomorrow. Yay! Spring is upon us and the yard is my life and true calling. I get totally and utterly engaged by the dimensions of what has been achieved and what we are working on and what we have yet to see...about what is to come. It is life. Life as a yard. Life as a home. Good night dear friends. Trust the Rust.cya

When I grow up, I would like to be seen as someone, who has finally achieved the sense of balance and control, that are necessary to complete the circle of life. I ..."at this moment in the typing" - believe I am not meant to end up where I started. "And you are not meant to end up where you started (maybe)?... As far as the distance run - All things being equal... Life is relative...(meaning I relate to the events of my life to the best of my ability)... and here is where the real work starts. If a person wants to succeed - They must love being, who they are, because it is all within. We are programmed at birth [to have on board everything we need to succeed] - Against all odds we can thrive and grow in the worst of conditions - If we have the will to protect the gift of life... Ultimately a person needs to move the ball of life - with a willing heart and a great effort toward improving the lot of all those, who are participating in close proximity to the life of their location. I once did my version of * A Treatise On Presence And Position* - and so now I will demonstrate the audacity of thinking that my intellectual capabilities are what I thought they once were. I thought I had a receiver brain which was sensitive to clear understandings of complex issues and I think this came from the effects of having been a part of the Sixties generation and all that that had to with. Anyone- out there- know what I am speaking about? The best part of all of this is there are so many dropped thoughts, because the context rushes by and I wish I could just rip and read it down the face of the screen, but I still struggle to glean the light of the day, when I won't space before comma and hit triplicates of every other letter. Sometimes ... I don't multi-task - so well?... but I do, because I still know the art of what I am ultimately: It is to not be like others... Exactly!... but is to finally communicate, what it is like 'to be like me'. I am now beginning to get into the territory of the word (The explaining of being) - that is the love.... I have for the subject. That is my concern - Is this being out here... like this... an effort to be close - to the source - of the desire to show that we are ...that... which can and wishes to be...It is the desire to express...to show that we are all - in this together.. and we are gathering our powers of persuasion and support. Life is not a political agenda. It is a feeling event (for those who have love) in their hearts and minds. Noone can claim more... of any of this - than another might feel. It... 'the art of life'... for me...is now about coming to the end of this - Right now. I have been at it in the usual atmosphere of distraction.. and I don't have any reason to believe that it cannot wait until another day. We are now {FamilyLife} going over the details of the facts, that have become the distress of the month...Losing the deal!... culminating in our son's walking out of escrow on his house this last week, when they tried to steam-roll him into a bad 'financial' scheme...the broker called it the "loan package"... have to go. I am okay for now. It is all about exploring the psyche and there is no pain. I am well and not in need of intervention. Someday... After I have sorted it all out... I will reconstitute as the real me and be all the better for it. For now this is the best that I can do. Good Night - Trust the Rust.cya

57 Now and counting. This year did include the big bounce for me, because it had me - getting back - to writing down ... what is going on-in the abstract way I do - the life ...I see...as mine. Been away so long and now it is time to get on the road back to some good lovin' and the health, that should have always been mine. I have a little bit of trepidation about what exactly I should call these momentary connections to this new sanity - that I have always wanted, but couldn't always find. For now I look forward to leaving a little bit of me out there in the universe... as representing the best of my intentions, because - beyond anything I might say... I have this supreme desire to truly represent my generation of seekers... from the heart- that we followed faithfully ... believing it had ...the way... marked for universal change that would bring the world to peace. Desperately in our ignorance we did things that ...in alot of cases caused personal disaster and a fall from grace that had to be reckoned with before we could find our way back to normalcy and acceptance of the truth. We now know we are not indestructible and I am forever greatful that I now know that I am loved and that this is just a part of what I am and it has it's own rhythms, but it certainly contains the ultimate dream of the true dreams, that I believed through the songs and poetry of the generation... That will always be mine. So much has been lost to the the lies of those who would use the best intentions of the truest, sweetest generation that has ever lived. We were and are the children of the greatest generation. Our parents and their siblings and uncles and aunts and Grandparents beat back the rise of Nazism and the festering sore of Communism. These things are still with us and I am but one who would honor all of America... For me the Nation that is saving the world from the evil that Satan would throw down. The reckoning of my now is because I want to jump ahead and begin to represent.... Because, if you only knew.... I am taking my inspiration from the words of the singer in my head, and I am now representing what I am hearing to the best of my capacity to be this moment that is jamming through my brain ...so You see.... this sweet,sweet love is so sweet and I am inspired by you, and I am that fool that has got to learn that love don't love noone. Noone. I have no pain it is all sweet lovin' that has within the heart come to me this day- this now- that I am here in all time... wishing I can hold it one more time, because I am learning to reckon what is and what is not and the sorting out is the result of this time that we have and the instrument of God's repair of my heart. I was lost and now I am found and so grateful for his love. It commands me to listen and be all that is - in purpose - the way that as always been what we have together - to be the heart of concern... for the world is ours to love. Riffin' on the the sincerity vein of my being - I have probably overstepped the true version of what it is to be this brain thinking about what might have been, but I am allowed a little probity once in a while. I wish that I could just freeform the speed of my careless abandon and free a mind that wants an all-inclusive venue of exchange that just loves the travel between atmospheres that contain the elixirs of un-surmounting joy. Life without hate and the command of the high ground that would say that the true Lord has been found and all the pretenders must now bow down. Game over. I love you, Jesus and now that I know that this command has always been in my heart I am free to command myself to succeed...as who I should have always have been. I feel such joy in this room at this moment - even as I rewrite the capped letters that were caused by my typing misshap. I am not not proud of tonight's contribution. It needed to be said. I am a singer in the truest sense of the word. I can't sing, but I can bleed. I love you so father God. I am grateful for your love and your foregiveness of my sins. It is sweet and I am so happy, because it is shared in an abstract way with all of you. I am no longer ashamed of who I am ... I am finally me... the one... I was always meant to be and it is now inculcated in my heart. I am no longer messing around with doubt. My concern is real. I am not going to lose the one true life, that would have me being as I need to be. So then, it has to be brought into perspective for now. Time to rest for the time being. Good night and don't be concerned. I am the same as you... I just remembered what it was like, when I could fly. Trust the Rust.cya p.s. I do have some concerns on (the run through) before posting... I realised ... this probably will appear to be really over the top. I do not seek over the top'ness. I want to be seen as a normal guy... on his birthday, who is saying some things that probably could have been left in the hanger, but at this point what do I care. I did not... ever...get dropped on my head more times than the instructions said to. So there. It was fun. Tomorrow, marks the return of Mr. Boring and the dreaded snack crackers caper. TTR