My love must be some kind of blind love. Jamie Cullum is play in my headphones . The family: ... My wife Maggie has just gone to bed. She'll be up early. One appointment after another, tomorrow. And then they had to throw in a mandatory meeting at the medical clinic, where she works. It's her day off...not fair I say! I'm glad there is you. Stolen moments of underated treasures. I live to love. I love to live. I'll muddle through with you.

I see a trend here. On this momentary tread of a stair to there, I have found a measure of perspective. I am dying to find the measure of this man. He has so many times thought that he had something to say, but then with the keyboard tech - He has yet to guide it into the flow of finding a rhythm. Jonah lived in the whale - J.Cullum groove on my shoulder.

Word up... my son Daniel, the Jazz musician, told me while driving back from Vancouver today, that Jamie Cullum is a fake with a losey voice. I was taken aback. He was not happy with me...being taken in by a charlatan. Cell phones and the highway life. Tonight Dan is driving back to Bellingham to play a gig at The Boundary Bay Inn. He's in Seattle to move some of his stuff back to his new digs in Bellingham, just south of the border. He's been playing on cruise ships for the last few years. He is ready for some land based solace. This gig is with some great local jazz artists. He is a jazz guitarist. I am proud of him... True. But our other boys are doing great as well. Am I allowed to speak of them without their permission. That sounds wierd, but I don't know if they want their personal accounts to be discussed by their step dad. They've just recently taken possession of the older boy's first home . The younger is renting from the older. Let's write in the third person...one removed. I am very uncomfortable not knowing what they would want. I know the state doesn't want me talking about my work. I am so good at that I never speak of it. I took them literally.

So this disaffected nonsense has creeped into my sensibilities. I want to be real...and all things are real to me, So next time I will throw out the names of the unnamed and moved forward toward the recovered life.

I feel... I have been here enough tonight, and that I will continue to come back. I have a google search to do before I go to bed. An MIT astrophysicist/Nasa/Mars project mgr., who is also an award winning writer of novels and short stories. Another Isaac Azimov. I'll check it out and get back to you.

Not to be foregotten by any means is our fourteen year old daughter,who wants to sleep in tomorrow. She has an orthodontist appointment at 8:30 and only a month more of the braces. She wants to do everything and is thriving. College is on her mind. Dance and music /trumpet and friends and all the great things of being a newly minted teenager. Life is an emotion... You know!

So for tonight I am sailing away. Trust the Rust,cya.

See the brain is a deliberate instrument. My brain desires to inform me that I have somehow achieved a level of voidness, which allows me to step out of the way of my intention, to give me a circumstance of careless and carefree substance, which has lost it's variable worble and weft. I knew, when I started, that you would understand. I'm attempting to shake off the non-serious losers, who don't recognize a great mind on the loose. Eventually, the atmosphere will clear and my instrumentation will take over and I will get on with my new responsibilities, which, of course, come with achieving this new level of freedom. The Reversal Theory of Context and Control has it's limitations. We who demand clarity with our morning paper are still searching for the less hurried existence of complacency. I have warmed somewhat to that which..."the-what", I have yet to find.

So,... because I know that I am trying awfully hard to get a little detail and detachment in my prose,... because my cause is to be less than dandy, but more than usual, I have given over to the muse of lost adventure, because I am afterall an un-educated bloke, who wishes to soar with the eagles, but obviously has no hope of finding his humour vent in all of the pain of digressing from a day's worth of all the usual stuff. I will in the end have to remain fictional, because in the real scheme of things... We, all of us, have nothing to fear, but fear itself.

My fear is mainly that I would give up in the face of adversity. That adversity for me would be to give up on myself and the improved nature of myself, just from writing-even badly at this point. I am by nature shy and not an attention seeker. I am competent in the simple daily missions of general living. I am a family man. I am lucky to have a family and we are generally doing very well. I am proud of all of them. I love my wife and I love our children, but I am truly not so happy with myself. I have spent much of my life disappearing into a void of nothingness. Pick one. I've tried them all. So ... Here I am at this late date on a Friday night in September, a week before fall, thinking I might need to get busy. Even if noone ever reads this it is what I have on this night, at midnight, while everyone here sleeps. I need work and it is getting late in the game. What kind of legacy am I leaving? He existed. A big period. I end with ...not if I can help it. This is a beginning and tomorrow I will begin again. But surely I need a plan. Good night and Good Luck. Trust the Rust cya

Right Now! I am primarily interested in resting from my fear a desire to succumb to an orientation and a relaxation of sorts, that dignifies these efforts in a way that leaves me just feeling real. So far, this effort is obviously bad, quantifiably, but it is here and I am here and I'm not really making excuses. I need to get -to- the flow level of the go-go-go way of existing, where I can feel in the groove with the team... and recognizing the zone I can spill...my guts and we can groove on the sponge that is my life. The life outside of my fear and failures, that represents, where I want to be... rather than where I find myself.

Sooooo, that said, it begins for now to look, as if I can comeback afterall. Comeback from what you ask or don't... matters not. I am working out the kinks of which I might as well admit I have many fears about what it is to even bother with the details. I can barely mount my next assault on tomorrow. I guess I was going to get all depressy-eyed, but let's bag that and admit that I have a quantifiable hunger to force myself out of this paper bag I find myself in. It is my desire to succeed this year as something other than what I identify at this moment, as "What I Am At The Moment". It's a momentary thing that has nothing to do with anything, but this moment and the one after that, and the one after that... and on and on into the lostness, that is me; and I am utterly happy to be here, because the only time I am real is when I write even bad digressions of the nothingness of the existence that is mine. Get down brother.

When one finally realizes that the great effort of our time and all time is to take part, then in truth I know that I am a participant, because I work at a state institution, where many, many,things are secret in the sense of propriety, and (where un P.C. correctly)- I will incorrectly refer to the residents as retarded. All of them are not, but possibly I have revealed a great travesty of information on this subject...already! One which is very hard to handle. I have nothing more to say. The developementally challenged residents are a true joy to work with And I am blessed, because of course I love my job, because it pays the bills and even if I am not appreciated for that -It's too late to change -or -Is it?

I truly am blessed to be working at this state school, because if it weren't for there ...I would not be here. Here being the
starting off place for not being there... whatever that means. I could lie and say I have to work tomorrow, but I am actually off and it is going to rain, but I have yard work to do, so I will do as I must and hopefully knock it out of the park. I let most of this day(another day
off) get away from me, but at least everyonelse got off to bed with a better attitude. It was something of a bummer day, but everyone in our household made the effort to tame the beast. For nasty thoughts will do you in. Don't be angry at circumstance- fix it or sail around it.

You know, just like that... you know, I don't want to say that , but I have to admit that it is there just as are all the other shortcomings of this life and I am always working to be a better person and a communicator and I will find that..... come hell or high water... I have the whole package,such as I am. Get on with It! Good
Enough -I am done for tonight.cya

You Know What? I had the same thing happen; as happened the last time I was here and this only ...(having posted a month ago)My simple retort was the last resort that brings me back. So I do love you all. It's about perseverance and the spinning of the wheel and the wars and rumours of war. And now to get serious, which isn't easy,when one is as loaded as I am. My back went out last Saturday and I did my best to go to work everyday, but after Wednesday... I had to shoot myself in the foot and take off Thursday and Friday, and then the weekend... so four days off in all. Meanwhile I saw the doc on Thursday and he proscribed for me the painkillers and the muscle relaxant to get my mighty machine back on the flight line. I have been humbled by the experience and hope as I always do ...to never come this way again -but every few years life calls me back to the drawing board and says,"You ain't nothing without me,baby." I am the truck that carries you around and when I say sit, I mean it. This was a typical scenario for re-injury, but totally unexpected and right in the beginning of a very busy week. So I slogged through work every day and the folks there wondered why I had even come in, but they gave me my due, because they got to see either stupidity or dedication firsthand. We all had a few laughs. On top of that: My brother was in town. I got to see him for the first time in five years. Monday - He came to our house for dinner and we had a great time and laughed about mutual times of misery and pain. He has the history of injuries from accidents that put one back a few steps and make you realize what great healing abilities the body has. He laughed and my wife laughed, because she also has had her share of the great kanoodler and the infliction of 'the misery' and the 'why me?' of personal disabilities created from the everyday incidents and accidents of life. Just glad to be alive and still full of the fighting spirit. We had a great dinner and great company.

So, I like that: I have not really come up with a theme for this foray into the great wide-open. I am here... and our daughter just got back from camp a little while ago and my wife is taking a nap and I am wanting to go outside, but I must respect the full measure of what I'm trying to achieve -full and quick recovery and operational control of ground zero, which is my body. I love my body, but not in that way. I just like to have it handy, when I want to work in the yard.

And suddenly, I remember what I can, after these three days of drugs-I am finally making headway and it is for that service that I am so greatful. I tried very hard to get the healing on my own, but all I can say is I never gave up, but without the drugs I don't know that I would be this far along. On Wednesday, We took my brother on a cook's tour of Seattle. And I don't mean fine dining, although we had some great fish and chips at an outdoor bistro in Ballard 'the Scandihoovian' cultural principality on the Puget Sound - adjacent to greater Seattle. Seattle has great neighborhoods - some, many would disagree, but there is memory of a time when the authentic Ballard was still evident. It is now just another 'burg in a town that is being bought up by money, real estate investors and greed.

Now... How.... Now.. Brown Cow! Yeesh! The lingo of what is important and what is not ...are very different and I am learning that very slowly. I want to be taken slightly seriously,[that is] when I finally get the typing gig down pat. I read lots of blogs and news sites and for now I will only say that one has to choose their battles and always remain true to their own convictions... and never give up the willingness to hear what others halve to say, but certainly there is not enough time availible for listening or reading the drivel of most bloggers. I am willing to give anyone and everyone a flash second, but that is all if I detect that you are spouting what is passing for a democratic diatribe these days. They hate only for the sake of hating. They want to fix the President. I'm not sure what they're getting at. It's very curious to me.


More than anything I want to get back out in the yard and finish my projects, which are many. We have such a great garden this year and the idea of losing any time is disheartening, but all is good. I'm taking my medicine. My son, who just returned from his job on a cruise ship in Europe is off to Alaska on another trip. Our two other boys get their house on a lake this next week. In this area that usually means lots of money, but this is a project that will test their metal. Mostly I'm glad I took the time to stay somewhat here, but for now I am mostly involved with heavy reading on the Mideast situation and the bloggers who are there on the ground are the most knowledgible and forthcoming about the facts, because this does not exactly play to the major media's plans for the ramp up to the fall elections.

So, where does this put me? It all says I am alive and that maybe I will go on to write further blogs- and that one day I will be proud of my production, because more than anything...this is what I
do best...even if it is not evident in the way that I write or what I write about. More and more for me... It means an extraordinary life of imagination and soul searching is availible to everyone. My pictures are just as important as yours. I have only to believe in myself and begin to practice the art of describing- truth on a stick. As I
see it there is a finite amount of time left to mount this plan. Don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today. Cliche upon cliche and then what have you got. Just as the cookie crumbles. Good night and good luck! You Know?... Trust the Rust .cya